Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
