Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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