my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
