i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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