Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
