just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
there is glitter all over my balls
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