It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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