I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
