Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
