Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
