it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
