it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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