The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
