first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize