Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
