you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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