Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
