in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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