Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
