It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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