I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
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Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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