I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
