my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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