My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
