Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
