is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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