Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
