Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
