Betty ford says i'm here all night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
