Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
