I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
