ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
