i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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