I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
organizing the empties. That sober.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
