i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
