Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
