why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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