So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
