you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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