I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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