between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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