So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
