It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
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I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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