Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
