Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Too much gin, very little bucket
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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