Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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