The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just pee around me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
