"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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