so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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