meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
