Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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