It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
