Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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