So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
