I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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