you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
