whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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