Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
