he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
